Depika and Anil got married two years back after they first met each other in a party. Initially, with the chromozomes and hormones all so new everything seemed perfect in their heavenly nest. But soon realism sunk in and they realized that marriage meant more than just love, sex and fun. It meant responsibility and care towards each other, tolerance, compromise and adjustment, respecting each other space and individual thoughts, maintaining relationship with in-laws, paying bills, finance, kids, cooking, washing, and cleaning and so on and on. It seemed that both Depika and Anil had not given a second thought to this aspect of marriage. Regular fights, arguments, difference of opinions took so much of them that both now found themselves trapped inside the nuptial bond.
The story of Depika and Anil will not sound strange to many newlyweds. Very few couples are indeed blessed with fairy tale story of ‘happily married ever after…’, even Princess Diana wasn’t!!
So let’s check out what exactly went wrong with Depika and Anil that it became a tale of misery for them. Is marriage really so hard a commitment? Is there any remedy for marriages like Depika and Anil’s or should we already declare it as a failed one. Before coming to any conclusion let’s get into a discussion –
# Are you ready for the seven sacred vows yet?
Anil and Depika met at a party and was instantly attracted towards each other. Their parents finding the match suitable to their needs soon got them married.
Gone are those days when marriage was a decision of the elders of the house and it was the sole duty and responsibility of the girl to adjust and keep the husband happy. Today, both partners are first a separate individual and hence, wish for an equal meter. So, whether it is a love or arrange marriage, it is first important for you to know if you prepared for the seven sacred vows.
Have a long and clear discussion with your partner about questions like ‘what is his or her expectation from marriage?’, ‘how he/she wishes to see her life after marriage?’, or ‘how much exactly both are ready to adjust and compromise with each other after marriage?’ and any other question that comes to your mind. Having a clear discussion will not only allow to understand each other perspective but it will also let you understand how much exactly you are prepared for a nuptial commitment. If you find that both your views and lifestyle is complimenting each other, it is time for you to tie the knot. Don’t be in haste!
# The cause of tiff – The Troubleshooters
Individual Habits: Anil is very meticulous about tidiness. He wants everything to be in its place, say it keys, household items, clothes, shoes, grocery or anything. Depika is not that much particular in keeping things at its place every time. This annoys Anil so much so that their home soon turns into a battle ground.
Individual habits are one primary cause of conflicts between couples. For so long we stick to our own habits and since we are alone it affects no one. But once you are married you are just not an individual any more. Your partner is as much a part of your lifestyle. Remember, each partner shares some similarities and some differences. This is where words like ‘compromise’ and ‘adjustment’ fits in. If some habit of your spouse annoys you then instead of grudging and venting anger or irritation, get into a discussion and try to explain your needs to your spouse respectfully. Also, while doing the same judge yourself as too whether your expectations are too much or more than normal. If a person keeps the car key on the table soon after coming home, or if the towel lies in the chair soon after bath and if this irritates you then you must also moderate your expectation a little.
# ‘I, Me, Myself’ vs ‘WE’
Depika and Anil just can’t take the changes after marriage. Their Ego just doesn’t let them give up.
Ego is something which if in excessive can ruin ‘your everything’ and not just your marriage. Ego arises because as an individual you are a different personality. Remind yourself that you are a married person now and you want to have a happy life with your partner. Try to understand each other perspectives and perceptions of life and respect each other’s thought. You negotiate in every aspect of your life- whether it is job, business, buying house or car and so on. So why not here? Once married, the word is ‘We’ and not ‘I and Me’.
Anil wants to save money for buying a new car but Depika simply can’t resist herself from buying knicks and knacks whenever she goes shopping.
Saving money and managing finance is integral part of every marriage. You have to save money for your dream house, car, vacations, children, education, future and your old age. Impulse shopping or too much spending can not only destroy your dreams but can also lead you to trouble waters. Try to make your spouse realize this and discuss with him/her your current financial position so that he/she can buy a bigger dream instead of a petty one. In case, your partner is still unsupportive ask him/her to chalk out the saving plan so he/she can realize his/her own mistake.
After coming from office Anil sits on his laptop and is busy attending phone calls. This annoys Depika to no end as after coming from their respective jobs this is the only time in the whole day that they get together. Naturally, she expects him to be with her.
Proper communication between husband and wife is crucial in building a strong relationship. Most couples, bound their busy schedule take their conjugal relationship for granted. Lack of communication is one reason of estrangement between modern couples. If you feel that your spouse is not giving enough time to you and is too much busy with work don’t flush out instant anger or irritation. Instead, wait for a weekend or non-working day and plan a surprise trip, so that you can spend some real good time with each other. Also try to use this occasion to settle up all issues you have in mind and respectfully voice your need of spending more time together.
# Intimacy and Space
Sometimes, Depika is not simply in mood when Anil desires her. As a husband Anil simply cannot take no from her.
Physical intimacy is the keystone of a loving and longing relationship. According to a new research mismatched sexual desire is the main cause of infidelity and divorce in many modern couples. It is very common in conjugal life that when one spouse is in mood, the other is not. As this is a very sensitive issue, both the spouse should use their sagacity before coming to any conclusion. Specially, men cannot take no when the woman doesn’t respond to his romantic advances. But having forced sex is a sure recipe for disaster in conjugal life. Try to see whether your partner is always reluctant when it comes to physical intimacy or the reason is genuine enough. Sometimes a simple touch and kiss can earn more respect than force. Also, on the other hand, the other partner should realize that sex keeps the relationship burning. So once feeling better, try to compensate for the lost moments. Remember, when sex becomes non-existent in a marriage, the marriage is over for sure!
# ‘We’ and ‘in-laws’
Anil cannot stand Depika’s nagging aunt but Depika wants Anil to entertain her and even change his opinion about her.
It is very common that your partner may not get along with some of your relatives and friends you are close to. In such a case don’t try to become the mediator between them. Trying to force someone whom your partner may inherently dislike for so and so reason can further avert the situation rather than mending it. Instead, respect your partner’s views and opinion about someone and ask him/her to be at least cordial towards the concerned person if nothing more.
There is always a ‘win-win’ situation for everything. Every relationship is unique and so are the situations in their life. Some relationship work, some doesn’t. Those that work is not because there are no problems or point of conflict between the couple but because their relationship is much greater than the problems they face. I honestly don’t know what happened to Anil and Depika but if both of them actually care about each other they will definitely find a way to make it work. Further, this story is not just about one Depika and Anil. Such problems can arise in between any couple and in both way. But there is always a ‘win-win’ situation for every problem.
Marriage is not a game or a contract but definitely it is an investment. Like a good investment a good marriage can give lump sum return. A happy marriage improves all aspects of your life- mood, mind, health, career, your connections with friends and relatives and so on. Whereas a bad relationship can drain you totally- ruining everything. To end with, marriages may be made in heaven but you have to make it work on earth. Every marriage goes through many ups and downs but a rocking relationship is one in which both the partners truly love and care about each other.